Accepting Others for Who They Are

Don't you hate it when people don't act the way they're supposed to act?

Kick the doors open, let the party begin.

Hey, welcome to Feeding My Faith, where we take God's word and we try to make it simple.

And this week we had a fair amount of famous people die.

If you're into wrestling, you had Hulk Hogan.

If you're in the Cosby Show, Malcolm, Jamal Warner.

And if you're into hard rock, Ozzy Osbourne.

And basically, in a nutshell, if you grew up in the 80s, one or more of these people were part of your childhood.

And I can attest, it's really weird to watch your childhood die.

Makes you feel weird.

It makes you feel old.

I go, they're coming for me next.

And I remind you that our time here on Earth is very short.

I have one aunt that's 80 and another one that's 96, I believe.

And they both have said, yeah, it goes quick and we really shouldn't waste it.

And so I want to talk about trying to get people to change.

Do you have somebody in your family or a friend or a coworker that you go, oh, you know, not a bad person, but man, they just.

Right, you've uttered that sentence.

And I bring this up because I travel a fair amount.

And when you go into any bookstore right now in August of 2020, 25, or any, especially any airport, there's one book, it's kind of bright green, and it's the Let Them Theory, a life changing tool that millions of people can't stop talking about by Mel Robbins.

And Mel Robbins is kind of a no nonsense self help guru.

And the book basically talks about a transformational mindset shift centered around two key concepts.

The first one is let them, and the second one is let me.

So the let them part encourages giving others the freedom to be who they are without trying to change or control them.

And recognizing that attempts to control others, well, it leads to stress and resistance.

So the second part of this is the Let me.

And that part shifts the focus to personal responsibility, emphasizing control over your own responses, your emotions and your choices.

And so when people don't act the way we want them to act, or they don't do what we want them to do, we disapprove or we basically fall into a couple of habits.

And what I, when I thought about this, this Let Them and Let Me is somewhat biblical.

Depends on how you twist it.

But the first thing is, well, we start judging them, right?

You're like, oh, why are they.

This is so dumb.

I can't believe they're.

I can't believe they think that I can't believe.

Right.

We just go into judge mode.

And in the Bible it says, do not judge or you too will be judged.

Then keep on reading.

For in the same way that you judge others, you will be judged.

And with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.

So if you're super harsh on people, guess what?

Yeah, that's the stick we're using to measure you.

And there's a line, it says, why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye?

So this is Jesus being sarcastic in my book.

Like, why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the.

And different, whatever you call it, the different writings, the different versions of the Bible have a different word here.

I'm going to use log.

That's good old fashioned.

I believe King James, but that's it.

We're going from a speck to a log.

And you pay no attention to the log in your own eye.

How can you say to your brother, let me take the speck out of your eye, when all the time there is a log in your own eye.

And then Jesus doesn't pull any punches here, you hypocrite.

And here's the word here.

First, first.

And by that he means first, do this.

First, take the plank, write the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eyes.

And when I've been in different therapy sessions, a lot of marriage counseling, I always heard this, one way to get someone to change is to change the way you treat them.

Which is easier said than done.

It's like, hey, if you want them to be nicer to you, you, you should be nicer to them.

Which usually kind of elicits the look, I'll change when they change.

And I remember once a counselor told me something like, if you're in a checkmate kind of situation, where you're like.

Or a stalemate, I guess is what I was looking for, right?

Who's going to move first?

That person or this person?

And we're like, yeah, who moves?

And the counselor said, the more mature one.

And we went, ooh, I don't like that answer.

But that's kind of the way it is.

You can make people change by the way you treat them.

I will say up front, I'm not good at that.

I'm just not.

But again, that's why we read the Bible, because you go, yeah, I could probably work on that a bit.

But then he goes on, do not give dogs what is sacred.

Do not throw your pearls to the pigs.

If you do, they may trample them under their feet and turn and tear you to pieces.

So for me, when I read what is sacred?

Well, for me, what is sacred, my most prized possession is time.

And going back to the beginning, the more and more people I know that die, I'm like, you know what?

That clock is running a little fast, don't you think?

So we need to make sure not to waste our time trying to change people just not going to work.

And what's funny is we often think, well, they didn't hear us.

Or if I just say it again, you know, somehow we can persuade them.

And in the book, the Let Me the Let Them theory, she brings up that when we have these people in our lives, how do we stop from just wanting to strangle them?

Because that's what happens.

We either lose our effectiveness by being really, really upset and being frustrated, and that kind of shoots us down.

Or, you know, we.

We.

We just obsess over them, basically, in a way.

And she said, think of them like little kids.

And she said, because some people that don't learn how to control their emotions are like little kids.

When we're little kids, we don't get what we want.

We cream and we scream and we.

We cry.

Why?

Because we want some attention.

Somebody to look at the fact that I didn't get what I want and then give it to me.

Well, we do that when we're older.

We scream, we yell at each other.

Sometimes we throw things.

If you marry the wrong people.

I apparently married two people that could be starting pitchers for many major league baseball teams.

You know, they.

They do things for attention.

Or a little kid, when they don't get their way, what do they do?

They pout.

I'm gonna go eat worms.

Wah.

And they go and sit in the corner and they're not gonna talk to you anymore.

Well, we do that as adults.

It's called the silent treatment.

And so sometimes we just need to think of these people like, okay.

Because when a little kid does it, we're like, oh, okay, all right, we're going to deal with this now.

And there are some people that maybe don't grow up.

I've heard stories about the lead singer of Aerosmith, Steven Tyler.

So this is a guy who's been famous a large chunk of his life, and I mean, like, major famous.

You say Aerosmith.

Most people know what you're talking about.

And I'm sure he's a fine guy and loves his kids and all that stuff.

But I've also heard that he has the impulses of an 18 year old where it's, you know, 11:30 at night and you hear, you think of an idea.

And Steven's like, let's go, let's do it.

All right, let's go.

Come on, guys.

And you're like, I have to go to work tomorrow.

Come on.

You know, okay.

So again, sometimes we don't harness our emotions in a.

In the way that most people would respect.

Another example about sometimes we don't think we're being heard.

I remember I'm a big fan of Jillian Michaels when she was a fitness trainer.

She's got a podcast now I tune in and out of.

But I remember for a while she had a reality show called Learning to Live.

And in it, she had her partner and her partner.

And you always kind of wonder what was going on.

But her partner was constantly, constantly nagging her that we don't spend any time together, we don't spend any time.

You're too busy, I never get to see you, et cetera, just per nauseam.

So finally, Jillian's like, okay, I'm going to clear my schedule.

We're going to have a date night.

We're going to go out.

I'm going to focus on you.

Great.

They get together finally.

Two people alone at this really nice dinner.

And what did the partner do?

You don't spend time with me.

You're too busy.

You never do this.

And I'm like, why would Jillian want to hang around you?

Like, this is.

I'm spending time with you, and you're taking the time we have to still complain.

And consequently, eventually that relationship fell apart.

So when you keep repeating yourself to people who you think are not listening, they probably heard you, but all you're doing now is being annoying and you're being a person.

They don't want to be around people.

Don't you?

You can't change people.

I listened to the audiobook of Ozzy Osbourne, and it's amazing in the fact that he started drinking at a young age and was pretty much messed up almost his entire life.

And you hear how he had these just endless drinking binges and he would pass out and lose track of time.

And he basically didn't really stop drinking until he woke up in a jail cell.

This is decades.

He woke up in a jail cell after apparently trying to Strangle his wife, of which he didn't remember it.

And so he got sober, but not really, because he just quit drinking and switched to Valium.

And he did that for a while.

And eventually when you take all these drugs, his doctor was like, I don't understand how you're alive.

And it was that doctor that finally got him to go completely sober.

But it was still his decision.

Ozzie could have said, I don't believe you, and kept on taking the pills.

It doesn't matter.

It's you that makes the decision.

But what do we do if we can't get people to do what we want?

I know what's right for that person.

Do you?

Do you know everything about I.

No.

They need to listen to me.

Well, first of all, the Bible says, don't waste your time.

Jesus said in Matthew 10:14, he's talking to the disciples about going out to preach the gospel.

And he says, if anyone will not welcome, you will.

Or listen to your words.

Leave that home or town and shake the dust off your feet.

In other words, like, move on.

So there are times when somebody's just not open to your message.

Jesus is like, yeah, maybe move on.

You know, time is Precious in Titus 3:9.

I thought this was amazing.

But avoid foolish controversies and genealogies and arguments and quarrels about the law, because these are unprofitable and useless.

But Paul, what do you really mean?

Wow.

Warn a.

Warn a divisive person once and then warn them a second time after that.

Have nothing to do with them.

You may be sure that such people are warped and sinful.

They are self condemned.

Two strikes and you're out.

Apparently in Proverbs 23:9, do not speak in the hearing of a fool, or he will despise the wisdom of your words.

So all these verses point out that sometimes people are just not open and repeating it and repeating it and repeating it.

You're just wasting your time.

In fact, Jesus even explained about throwing seed.

And he explained about the seed that fell on rocky ground and where it didn't have much soil.

He said the seed sprouted up once because the soil wasn't deep.

But when the sun rose, the seedlings were scorched and they withered because they had no root.

That's in Matthew 13.

And sometimes you think people will listen to you until they don't.

And that's just.

You threw some seed.

Good for you on some hard ground.

Well, that's not going to work out very well.

In Acts, Paul talks about when the message was rejected by some Jews.

He said we had to speak the word of God to you first, meaning the Jews.

And since you rejected, we now turn to the Gentiles.

And so here again, you do what you can, you plant the seed.

If they reject it, pivot and move on.

Now I realize that it sounds like, well, if I do this, I'm not going to have any friends if I just abandon everybody.

And that's true.

And that's why if we go back to the book, in this case, the, the let them theory, it's let them.

So do what you want.

I accept you for not being perfect.

And then let me.

And the let me part is, what do I do?

Well, according to Romans 15, 7, except one another.

Then just as Christ accepted you in order to bring praise to God by being someone who, who you know.

We'll talk about this in a second, but you know, everybody I love is not perfect, but yet I still love them.

Ephesians 4, 2, be completely humble and gentle.

Be patient bearing with one another in love.

Yeah, they drive you crazy.

Let them, because that's what they're going to do.

You already told them.

And then love them for who they are.

And I realize you're like, but Dave, Dave, I know better.

Yeah, you probably do, especially if you're talking to somebody in their 20s.

I look back at all the stupid things I did in my 20s and, and I thought I knew everything, but man, I look back now and go, that was a bad decision.

But I, hey, I was, I was not only, you know, hey, I was.

I've been old enough to drink for years now.

I'm an adult.

Well, you're an adult with no experience and there's nothing wrong with that age.

But I look back now and go, man, I wish I would have done this differently.

And so in Philippians 2, 3 through 4, Paul says, do nothing from rivalry or conceit.

So when we're like, yeah, but I'm, I know what I'm doing.

You don't.

Okay, conceded much.

And I know you're like, but it's true.

Okay, again, but in humility, count others more significant than yourselves.

You say that one again, count others more significant than yourselves.

Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interest of others, which is very close to understand before being understood.

Which is another great self help book called the 7 Highly Habits of Effective People.

In 1 Timothy, it says, set an example for the believers in speech.

You know what you say in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity, that's what we do.

And so here again, that may be the old line of, well, the way I act will change how they act.

Yeah, it might.

You ought to try it.

Who moves first?

The more mature one.

There is that little line, do unto others you would have them do unto you.

That's in Luke 6.

And it goes on.

If you love those who love you, big deal.

Basically, what credit is that to you?

Even sinners love those who love them, it says, and if you do good to those who are good to you, again, what credit is that to you?

Even sinners do that.

And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you?

Even sinners lend to sinners expecting to be repaid in full.

But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back.

Then your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High.

Because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked.

Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.

That's a lot to chew on.

We don't be nice to people because they're nice to us.

Be nice to everybody.

Do nice things for people, even if they're not very nice.

Sounds crazy, doesn't it?

Especially in today's society.

But I'll give you an example.

I am a bit of a slob.

As I look at my desk right now, I can tell you I don't see a desk.

I see old mail.

I see books.

I see my phone.

I see at least seven different envelopes that I've grabbed to use as a notebook.

I've got a tripod for my phone.

A bunch of coffee cups filled with junk.

I'm not the most organized person in the world.

However, my brother was very organized.

Still loves me.

He would joke about how when we lived together, he would always know when I'd been in the kitchen, because he would go in and half the cupboards would be open because once I poured the milk on the cereal, I'd put the milk back in, in the fridge, grab a fork, and I'm on my way.

So whatever.

You know, the.

The.

The cupboard that I got the bowl from, the cupboard that I got the cereal from.

Yeah, those doors are still open.

And yet he still loves me.

Is that annoying?

It was to him.

He's very organized.

Think of the Odd couple.

We all know that person who is late, and yet we love them.

I mean, look, my sister loves Barry Manilow.

Ugh.

Barry Manilow.

Ugh.

And yet I still love her.

And we disappoint God on a regular basis, and yet he still loves us.

And he's left us with two amazing things.

One is free will.

So we get to choose how we react to people when they really annoy us.

And so many times we're like, well, I was upset, so I did this.

Okay, well, there are other choices.

Just for the record, the second thing he left us with is the Holy Ghost to counsel us in all of our actions and to be that conscience that reminds us when we stray off the path.

And one way to look at this, just in general, about God's love, because it's kind of confusing, because if you read the Old Testament, there's a lot of smiting going on in the Old Testament.

And God is very just.

And the New Testament, God is all love.

So how can you be smiting and loving at the same time?

That can be confusing.

And the best way I've heard this explained is through the story of a king.

Now, this king had discovered that people had been taking his gold.

And so he decreed that whoever did this would not receive 20 lashes.

20 lashes was a lot.

They would receive 40 lashes, which pretty much is, if you've seen these things that they used to make the lashes with, where it's pulling out just chunks of you.

40 lashes with a death sentence.

And so they investigated it, and it turned out it was the daughter of the king who had stolen the gold.

And everybody's like, well, what's he going to do as a just king?

You know, you have to uphold the law.

And so that's what the king did.

He said, no one is above the law.

And he ordered the 40 lashes.

And so they brought his daughter in, they bent her over on this board, tied her to it, and then pulled, kind of basically broke the.

The shirt off her back.

So her back is completely exposed.

And the guy doing the lashes gets ready, grabs the whip or whatever, and he goes to do the first stripe.

And the king screams out, no.

He goes over and he puts his body over his daughters and pulls his shirt to expose his back.

And then he ordered, he said, now try to hit her.

And all 40 lashes hit the king and he died.

He stepped in place to save his daughter.

Well, we just read where the Bible says, we are the children of the Most High.

And even though we were guilty and we deserved it, because, man, can we be annoying to God, he stepped in and said, no, no, he covered us.

The debt is paid.

And so keep that in mind and try to emulate that, that people typically aren't doing things trying to annoy you.

They're just being themselves.

So in a patient, calm way, explain to them how you find that annoying.

You want to be really helpful.

Give them a tip on how they could do it better.

And again, nobody's going to pick it up.

Probably the first time they might try.

Any new habit is going to take some practice.

But be patient and just realize that sometimes, you know, you can't change people.

I was telling my brother about this sermon, and he said, oh, man.

His best friend is one of the most loving, caring people, but he's also the kind of guy that will just show up on your doorstep.

He lives many states away.

He won't call.

He won't say, hey, I'm thinking of coming up.

He just shows up on your doorstep and you're like, oh, hey, great to see you.

Maybe that's why my brother always keeps his house clean.

But he said, on the other hand, he goes, I know that, and I love that about him because he's always like, oh, you want to do that now?

Yeah, let's go.

He's got that Steven Tyler mentality.

Hey, let's go.

Let's do it.

Let's check it out.

All right.

He's always willing to try stuff.

And he goes, and that's one of the things I love about him.

But it's also kind of annoying.

And so keep that in mind that we can't change people.

Only people can change people.

If you think about it, you're like, wait a minute.

What if somebody came up to you and said, give me all your money and.

Or I'm going to shoot you in the head.

Okay, so if the person gives you all their money, they're like, see?

Well, it was their choice.

They didn't have to.

If that person doesn't want to live, they're like, go ahead.

We always have a choice to choose that many times we have forgotten that.

Oh, yeah, I guess I could have tried that.

Or I could have tried that.

And if we do step away, we might go, oh, you know what?

And come back again in a kind, gentle, compassionate way.

And maybe that will get through.

But realize there is a time when you just have to go, yeah, I guess that's just the way they are.

And it's your choice then to either love them or leave them.

But you may end up very lonely.

And nobody wants to go through life like that.

And nobody wants to go through life all stressed out because they're not doing what I want them to do.

And at that point, your last action is what should have been your first action, and that's to pray.

I'm Dave Jackson from the school of podcasting.

If you enjoyed this episode of Feeding My Faith, do consider going to your phone.

There you got that little share button, that little arrow that points upwards.

If you know somebody that is trying to change somebody and they're getting frustrated, could you consider sharing that with them?

At number one, you're going to look cool because you shared this fun information.

That's helpful, and I'll get to grow my audience.

Or you could just tell them to go to feedingmyfaith.com take care.

God bless.

Hey, every day I gotta testify.